Tag: buffythebitchyblogger

What Wood You Say?

Posted on by buffythebitchyblogger

A software engineer posted on LinkedIn that he was asked in a job interview how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. When he realized it wasn’t a joke, he gave a clever reply based on logic: the season, age of the woodchuck and geographic factors.

That’s a B.E.Y.O.N.D. weird job interview question, although it got me wondering.

According to wildlife expert Richard Thomas, the answer is 700 pounds, an amount equivalent to the 35 cubic feet of dirt a woodchuck would chuck to dig a burrow. So now we know.

Bonus knowledge: woodchuck = groundhog = whistlepig. This raises So. Many. Questions. including these two to which the world anxiously awaits the answers.

• How much ground could a groundhog grind if a groundhog could grind ground?

• How many whistles could a whistlepig whistle if a whistlepig could really whistle?

Circling back to the software engineer. He didn’t get the job. In fact, a rejection letter was in his email inbox within five minutes of the conclusion of the interview.

All this nonsense about a woodchuck in a job interview is enough to make Buffy bitchy because job candidates deserve better. But it doesn’t make Buffy bitchy because that software engineer dodged a bullet. We also now know the 700-pound answer. And finally, we’re fully armed with bet-you-did-not-know-this-about-woodchucks cocktail party chatter next February 2nd on Woodchuck-Whistlepig Day.

Wagging Tongues and Bobbleheads

Posted on by buffythebitchyblogger

Every four years, November 1 is the pinnacle of anticipation. Who will win the presidency in the fast-approaching election? Which college football teams will win their respective conferences, and which teams will likely head to the postseason knockout invitational tournament? And, of course, November 1 marks the beginning of the holiday season and all that comes with Thanksgiving, decorating, partying, gift giving and celebrating our Savior’s birth.  

Questions one and two each have caused a(nother) great divide, so let’s stick to those topics, shall we?

According to Pew Research Center, Americans have a dismal view of our nation’s politics. Duh. And not duh in a derogatory way about Pew; rather duh because of wagging-tongued bobbleheads throwing blah, blah, blah fuel on an already-raging fire: a plethora of biased media mouthpieces, actors who live in the land of make believe, has-beens (like the one that rhymes with nosey) who threaten to pack up and move to Canada (please do, but they never do) and a cast of characters encompassing musicians, physicians, influencers (ugh), athletes and educators. And, of course, there are the politicians themselves.

Football fans aren’t much better, and there’s no shortage of people who obsess over schools they didn’t attend and teams they don’t cheer for. Last week, I saw a bride and her guest gesturing horns down in the bridal shower photos. Really? The Texas Longhorns were top of mind while opening gifts and eating cucumber sandwiches? So. Very. Tacky.

All the divisive behavior associated with politics and college football is enough to make Buffy bitchy, but Buffy isn’t bitchy because what other people say, think and do says everything about them and absolutely nothing about me.

Thank goodness.

Room Reading, Mouth Shutting

Posted on by buffythebitchyblogger

Sometimes the name gods sprinkle karma on their subjects, and that was certainly the case at a recent athletic event. Let’s set the stage together, shall we?

Dick was a guest in our football suite. He showed little-to-no interest in the game itself. While he wasn’t athletic looking, neither are a lot of fans, like Buffy, who are R.E.A.L.L.Y. into the game. As it turns out, Dick has a Ph.D. in not reading the room (or the names on the door of the people footing the bill for his ticket, food, drinks and more drinks). I’m not sure what his degree is in, but apparently it’s not business. And how do I know this?

Within my earshot, and I’m talkin’ a foot behind me, Dick cornered frat boy Tanner to pontificate ad nauseam about how dumb it is for college students to major in business. No matter where. No matter what. In his *mind*, it makes them boring, and a business degree provides no value in the real world. No real skills. No promise for the future. Things like accounting, finance, marketing and supply chain management – Dick’s list – are an absolute waste of brain power and money.

(Knock knock. Who’s there? Thereal. Thereal who? The real-world economy rooted in business skills, processes and capitalism, leaders of large and small enterprises, critical thinkers, business professionals at all levels and think-tankers who are entrepreneurs, solopreneurs and creativepreneurs, that’s who.)

Being drug down by utter nonsense is enough to make Buffy bitchy, but I’m not because a hard-earned business degree has served me well, both on the corporate side for 10 years and for three decades and counting as a business owner. The cherry on top is the 41-year honor of being surrounded by some incredibly savvy people, many of them armed with a business degree, who most definitely can read the room and know precisely when to keep their mouth shut.

Make-believers, Wannabers and Real Thingers

Posted on by buffythebitchyblogger

People will do anything for their 15 minutes of not-very-real fame.

According to Quora, “Influencers rarely actually lead the lives they put out for the world they see. When they do, it’s often not a healthy life to lead.” (Buffy’s editing note: I’d revise this to read “for the world to see,” but I’m quoting a source, so don’t shoot the messenger.) 

And all the people said, “Amen” (to the Quora quote, not Buffy’s editing).

Buffy could spend her entire day (not really) thoughtfully dissecting make-believers, wannabers and real thingers, but not on this day because I’m short on time. So, to kick off what may become a series of rolling up our sleeves to collectively explore the love/hate relationship of the influencer aspect of social media, let’s jump in with a look at the bright side of all this time-consuming and oftentimes nonsense.

Like raindrops and roses, whiskers on kittens and brown paper packages tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite (real) thing(er)s.

Sink your teeth into Idaho stay-at-home mom @scatteredmother who makes ‘lazy dinners’ in the trailer park for her family of four. Aeilla doesn’t primp, pamper or focus on being a glamazon (as reflected by her not-always combed hair), and she adheres to a strict budget aligned with the family’s modest household income. There are a few haters who come at this TikToker for making separate meals for her two young children who have an aversion to meat, and a handful of others snark about the highly cluttered kitchen. Thankfully, Aeilla can stand the heat, so she’s stayin’ in the kitchen.

Also worthy of your precious time, if you have any, is sassy cook and kitchen gadget guru @mississippi_kween. Most of Caroline’s videos begin with her slamming something onto the countertop. She’s got an accent, a great sense of humor, knows how to place cabbages to really grab your attention and may ask if you want to look at her butt, which turns out to be a shoulder roast. Caroline is frank, funny and has waaaaaaaaaay more TikTok savvy than the plethora of wannabes videoing their block of cream cheese, bag of shredded cheddar, four chicken breasts and jar of Ragu dumped in a crockpot to be cooked on low for 5-6 hours and then served with your choice of pasta and a side salad. Bonus points to Caroline for alerting her followers to Katie Santry’s #whatsintherug drama.

Then there’s @thehannahbrie who travels the country with her family in an RV and whose husband takes playtime with their daughter very seriously. Hubs is a big kid with a little kid, and he entertains their daughter with DIY Disney on Ice, takes Chick-fil-A and Starbucks orders, drives pint-size Uber and police cars, welcomes his daughter aboard a makeshift airplane and awards the gold medal to his little Olympian. This guy has an imagination beyond belief, and he ain’t no slacker in the fun and costume categories.

I have little faith in influencers who want to influence my skin care and makeup routines. Among their many downfalls, most influencers neurotically refer to being obsessed with this and that, and I don’t take advice from someone who admits they’re obsessed. (Seek professional help, please.) However, there are a few standouts who are highly entertaining while they pimp products. I have no clue about his backstory or whether Chase is pulling our proverbial leg, but @grwmhudson invites you to get ready with him while he goes through his skincare regimen before football tryouts, the PSAT and his grandpa’s 80th birthday party. Bonus points for his battle of the primers that’s actually quite insightful. Want to be in awe of turning a regular face into porcelain perfection? Face-contouring wizard @jessejaggerswizard always ends up with a flawless face while barely taking a breath during his spiel.

And then there’s @jp_kensworld who hails from Alabama and pokes fun in an honest, harmless way. His OOTD spoofs as Southern belle Anna Beth Paisley Grace are fantabulous, particularly outfits for Part 6’s Bama/Western Kentucky gameday and Part 7’s Bama/Tennessee gameday. Jake’s “top” in Part 3 for the Georgia game is not to be missed, and while it’s tongue in cheek, it’s also not too far from what you’re likely to see in the student section. And finally, his rundown of jewelry – Enewton, Enewton, Cartier, Amazon, Amazon, Enewton – falls into the category of IYKYK. I credit Jake for turning me (and sorority rows) on to Enewton.

While a lot of TikTok content is ridiculous, you can actually learn a thing or two if you’re in the right mindset.

• If you moo at babies, they cry (which says a lot about people who do that). *psycho*   

• There are countless Ozempic dupes, including natural versions to help you release the weight and find self-love. *no words*

• If you live near a Dollar Store or are willing to road trip across town, you’re in luck! You can transform plastic beads, foam hair curlers, frameless mirrors and faux snow into easy, last-minute Christmas decorations. *hard pass*

• You can earn $5,000 a day addressing 20 envelopes. *eye-roll*

• Buttery-soft, butt-flattering, tummy-controlling Judy Blue jeans are epic and life-changing. They’ll replace every pair of jeans in your closet, and you’ll find yourself wearing them dirty because you’re THAT obsessed. *ditto eye-roll*

• Turn your cell phone upside down when you use the camera app. Just a hunch, but this tip is probably for Facetuners. *fake tockers*

• Tired of Tik? Head to another platform where YouTuber @SSSniperWolf cuts to the chase with her rundown of things she learned on TikTok, from how movie theaters are cleaned (big surprise here) to how to get live-in mice out of the wall using your pet snake (an even bigger surprise). *real-life stuff*

Satire accounts like @isatandstared and @ashleyvlazz walk a very fine mesmerizing line between what in the world and what the [that word]. My all-time fave is Oklahoma’s @sydneyrenayeverhart who’s ‘here 4 the girlies.’ Gurl talks a blue streak in her satires that are easily identifiable by her puffy pink headband (e.g., Parts 98, 476, 121, 118,117, 113, 110…).

Saving the best for last, @yurilamasbella truly is what she claims: the LOST Kardashian. Among her best antics, Yuri uses Post-it® notes as fingernails and mimics the mannerisms, personalities and voices of all the Ks in K-ville. Pure entertainment.

Having now spent an hour needlessly writing about TikTok, Buffy’s clock has tick tocked to time to get back to work. But that doesn’t make Buffy bitchy because we exist in a land of make believe, so I’ll just put on a puffy pink headband, retrieve my dirty-yet-flattering Judy Blue jeans from the hamper and tell you I’m obsessed with my easy peasy job, cooking with cream cheese and mooing at babies. On second thought, I’ll just stick to earning a living doing what I do for real clients in the real world where my only influence is over words and punctuation.

More Than 13 Reasons Why

Posted on by buffythebitchyblogger

When I read about the soon-airing Netflix series “13 Reasons Why” in mid-March, I literally marked my color-coded calendar for March 31. I had a boulder-size hunch my teenagers would watch it and most certainly hear about it, so I wanted to be proactive vs. reactive and see All. The. Reasons. on a first-hand, fast-track basis.

Whether or not you’ve seen the tapes, you’ve met the cast of characters at some point in your life: an accomplished athlete with an inflated ego, a rich kid with preppy good looks and zero parental supervision, a newcomer to the high school, an annoying kid behind a camera lens who takes too many pictures and at all the wrong times, an artsy student who is deeply introspective, a neglected teenager with a self-centered parent, a handsome do-the-right-thing boy-next-door type who’s collectively confident and nerdy and endearing, the cheerleader – there’s always a cheerleader, a crowd pleaser, a yes sir young man with a contradicting appearance, a fake and manipulative do-gooder who’s diverting attention to mask a very big secret, and a roster of other high schoolers with the issues you’d expect for people their age.

Despite their obvious and extensive differences, the students at Liberty High School have two things in common: (i) where they go to school, and (ii) cell phone ownership. It’s precisely those two commonalities that lead to the brutal demise of Hannah. Hannah Baker. One innocent photo on a cell phone led to unwarranted slut shaming (more on that term later), and it was truly all downhill from there.

Yesterday, I found myself smack dab in the middle of a conversation about “13 Reasons Why.” There were two, and only two, very opposite opinions: everyone else’s and mine. For the blogging record, I was the only one who’d watched all 13 episodes, and I’ve actually watched the series twice. I binge watched it the first time to stay ahead of the kid curve, and I also watched the compelling 29-minute documentary, “13 Reasons Why: Beyond the Reasons,” in which co-producer Selena Gomez and others behind the camera, along with cast members, talk candidly about the who, what, where, when, how and why issues you ask yourself over the 13-tape journey.

If you’ve watched the series, you’ll agree the suicide scene was haunting and horrific and heartbreaking; it was anything but glamorized, heroic or a romantic act. In fact, it made me physically ill. I still haven’t completely shaken off the sights and sounds of “that” scene and probably never will. I hope not because that will mean Hannah wasn’t alone and isn’t forgotten.

The plethora of hot topics showcased in “13 Reasons Why” is too life changing for me to jump on the bandwagon to ban the series. I didn’t get much of a chance to tell my side yesterday, so thanks for letting me air my more than 13 reasons why I’m not a series hater.

  1. Like it or not, Pandora’s box has been opened. It’s now time to deal with it because you simply cannot wish it away, pray it away or ignore it away.
  2. “13 Reasons Why” illustrates authentic teenage experiences in 2017 like nothing else has.
  3. The series tackles difficult topics that are an unwelcome wake-up call for many, and yet it gives us a very present reason to talk about these topics with our kids and others.
  4. Teenagers don’t live in a world that shelters them from the daunting issues very accurately portrayed in this series: bullying, embarrassment, broken friendships, differences in appearance, parental indifference, slut shaming (a teen term I didn’t make up, so learn the lingo and don’t shoot the messenger), unsupervised parties, underage drinking, weed, rape, secrets and lies. In the case of Hannah, Hannah Baker, she also received R.E.A.L.L.Y. crappy advice from her high school counselor as she stood at the life or death fork in her rocky road.
  5. Our kids will always make split-second decisions, just as we do in adulthood. Talking through things today gives them – and us – a better chance to make smart choices tomorrow.
  6. Tomorrow is only one day away.
  7. The recent demands to copy and paste or share if you care posts on social media do little to nothing to enact change. This series just might.
  8. I’m using “13 Reasons Why” as an(other) opportunity, not a roadblock, to (continue to) discuss tough topics with my teens.
  9. My kids have actually engaged me in conversation about the series multiple times, both in person and by text. I’m not patting myself on the back just yet, but it is gratifying to know our open-door and let’s talk policy didn’t fall on deaf ears.
  10. I’m more committed than ever to putting myself in my kids’ shoes every single day to make me more aware, present and available to listen, discuss and guide.
  11. What Romeo and Juliet did to position suicide as a romantic act, which incidentally and ironically is read and performed in high schools across America, “13 Reasons Why” combats with a candid, difficult look at ghastly dark and far-reaching blood-stained consequences.
  12. You can’t change what happened to Hannah in this story, but hopefully the series will lead to better outcomes for other “Hannah” males and females facing similar struggles.
  13. In the words of Dr. Phil, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”
  14. The two paragraphs below.

There’s exponentially much more to the 13 tapes beyond the tragic self-inflicted death of a high school student, and there’s also significant take-away value that warrants our collective attention. Rather than missing it with our eyes wide shut, let’s take Clay’s cue in tape 13. If you’ve seen it, then you, too, are riding down the highway in a red Mustang with Tony, Clay and socially withdrawn we-won’t-let-her-be-next Skye.

I never want to find myself looking down from 30,000 feet with no understanding of the real world in which my teenagers live or turning a blind eye in favor of total blindness. Oh, and season 2 is in the works, so there are now more than 13 reasons to face real issues head on sooner vs. later.

 

Aspen, Fairytales and Rhinestones

Posted on by buffythebitchyblogger

What began as a trip to the doctor for foot care — and by doctor and foot care, I mean Island Nail Spa for a mani/pedi — morphed into a court-side seat to a verbal dog and pony show, courtesy of bride Becky. I doubt Becky is actually the bride’s name, but let’s go with it for the purpose of getting this tale told, shall we?

When I arrived at the doctor’s office, bride Becky was in the waiting room mentally gnawing her nails. Beyond thinking she was wearing a cute shirt, I assumed that was end of the story. I had no idea too much information was in my very near future, with the Beckster sharing her life story.

Shortly after I settled in to my comfy patient’s chair for medical treatments, Becky started chatting up her physician technician. In less than 3.75 seconds, I knew Becky was a blushing bride, and within 3.75 minutes, I felt as if I’d known Becky for years and was part of the bridal party. Everyone else within four city blocks knew also, because Becky had a megaphone mouth that measured 7.0 on the Ricther Scale.

Grab a snack, fluff your pillow and kick up your polished, pedicured feet for these TMI highlights:

  • Becky hasn’t slept later than 3 a.m. in more than two weeks. In case you missed it the first time: Becky hasn’t slept later than 3 a.m. in more than two weeks. In case you missed it the second time: Becky hasn’t slept later than 3 a.m. in more than two weeks. In case you missed it the third time: Becky hasn’t slept later than 3 a.m. in more than two weeks. Etcetera. Etcetera.
  • Despite Becky’s seemingly-familiar-if-not-close relationship with her physician technician, she had no knowledge of shellac nails and questioned if it’s like wearing plastic polish. Oy.
  • Becky is leaving for the airport at 6 p.m., and she hasn’t finished packing for her destination wedding, so this 11 a.m. medical appointment is really cramping today’s schedule. But, like you know, who would trust anyone at the destination wedding location to paint wedding nails?
  • Becky hasn’t slept later than 3 a.m. in more than two weeks.
  • Months and months and even more months of tireless, meticulous attention to detail have gone into wedding planning, and Becky is just so very very Very Very VERY VERY anxious to see how it all comes together, particularly since she’s barely been able to sleep past 3 a.m worrying about it.
  • Having had a longer-term relationship just prior to this one with its swept-off-her-high-heeled-feet fairytale ending, Becky found a more suitable suitor 9 precious months ago, and they are marrying on the 9-month anniversary of their first date. All together now: Awwwwwwwwwwww.
  • Several of the blushing bride’s friends have bailed on her at the last minute and won’t be in attendance. One friend in particular has become a bee in Becky’s bridal bonnet because it’s VERY. CLEAR. ON. FACEBOOK. that crappy friend Carla can afford to go out partying every night but can’t afford a flight to this dreamy destination wedding. So fine. Friendship over.
  • Becky hasn’t slept later than 3 a.m. in more than two weeks.
  • The engagement ring is at home because it was just cleaned for the big day. Calling all thieves and robbers: Becky’s ring is at home while she isn’t.
  • The nameless hubs-to-be is sitting on Becky’s right during their air travel to the destination unknown, and Aspen is sitting to Becky’s right. How lucky for Becky — and Aspen — that a cheap seat popped up for a $39 one-way ticket. After a rather odd one-way discussion about Aspen, it was clear that Bride Beck had named her wedding gown Aspen. (pause) (longer pause) (even longer pause) I have no clue how one goes about checking in Aspen at the ticket counter and obtaining a boarding pass for cloth, even if it has a name, but let’s wish Becky and Aspen the best of luck. Hopefully Aspen doesn’t have underwires or gel “cutlets” larger than a quart-size Ziploc that cause chaos during the security screening. And let’s be honest that our minds are secretly imagining the ruckus that ensues if Homeland Security pats down Aspen.
  • Sunday will be truly special. Becky and groom will wake up in their shared bridal suite and have one last breakfast as single her and single him. *eye roll*
  • Becky and Groom Guy have written their own vows. How sweet. Luckily, Becky has easy access to said vows because she typed them on her phone. You are correct: We all got to hear her recite them, with the dramatic touch of a few tears trickling down her blushing bride’s cheek. No joke.
  • After a quick recovery from her tears, we move on to a new topic. Oh goodie! Becky has completed her playlist and we get to hear a complete rundown of first dance, father/daughter dance, groom/mother dance, last dance and every other potential dance in between. Wake me up when this is over, will ya?
  • Talk about appetizers and cocktail hour and a five-course gourmet meal were almost more than my pre-lunch hunger pangs and I could handle. Guilty as charged: I went directly from the doctor’s office to Beck’s Prime drive-thru. Let’s just call it a reward for surviving TMI, if salad qualifies as a reward.
  • Almost pushing me over the proverbial edge was Becky’s discussion about her lingerie. Praise the nuptial heavens that Nordstrom had a pair of panties with “MRS.” spelled out in rhinestones across the rear. Words fail.

Between you and me, I don’t get all the fuss about bridal planning, but that’s just me: the bride that planned her entire wedding in less than 4 hours. I didn’t care about most of the things many brides spend months and months worrying about that lead to sleep-deprived nights with 3 a.m. wake-up calls. My wedding gown most certainly did not have a name, and I didn’t have or want an engagement ring that I’d leave at home because it was clean.

If all this wedding chatter isn’t enough to make Buffy bitchy, I don’t know what is…only Buffy isn’t bitchy because Becky’s dreams are coming true. Her prince awaits on Sunday at the end of the destination wedding aisle, and crappy Carla can just stay home with her credit card and party the weekend away by herself. And Becky? Well, she’ll finally get some sleep, a new last name and a darn good reason to wear rear end rhinestones that spell Mrs.

And let’s agree that no one — NO ONE — wants to hear the details in a few years about the next big event in Becky’s life: childbirth.

 

 

An Explanation About Exclamations

Posted on by buffythebitchyblogger

I’m on a one-nerd crusade to stop the abuse.

Here’s the situation: Exclamation points are being abused all day every day, and it makes me nuts. When did it become okay to put a ! after every sentence that doesn’t have a ? No, really. When? PLEASE TELL ME WHEN.

Leave the water running while you brush your teeth. Throw your dirty clothes on the floor. Cry over spilled milk. Eat carbs and consume high-fructose corn syrup. Have a cocktail before it’s five o’clock somewhere. But please, Please, PLEASE do not abuse the exclamation point. Of course, there’s one exception to the rule, so keep reading or skip directly to “Should — multiple exclamation points.”

So not to throw you under the punctuation bus, here’s a handy dandy guide for when you should and shouldn’t use an exclamation point:

SHOULD — single use

  • Fire!
  • Help!
  • We’re engaged!
  • I’m having a baby!
  • A raccoon just crawled through the doggie door!
  • There’s a snake in the toilet!
  • We have winning lottery ticket!
  • Cheers!

SHOULD — in back-to-back exclamations

  • Crap! We’re out of wine!
  • Damn! You forgot to record Downton Abbey!
  • Get in here fast! Scandal is on!
  • Whoot whoot! My kid hit a grand slam!

SHOULD — multiple exclamation points

(anything positive about Buffy the Bitchy Blogger, such as:)

  • Buffy rocks!!
  • Lovin’ Buffy the Bitchy Blogger!!!
  • Buffy is not bitchy!!!!!!!!!

SHOULD NOT

  • There are raisins in your lunchbox.
  • His jacket is in the mudroom.
  • Our dog food supply is quite low.
  • I’ll fold the towels after I make the beds.
  • You need a new yard rake.

Believe me, folks, when I say your reputation is at stake. The overuse of ! and !! and !!!!!!!!!! will lead people to believe you are (i) a few marbles short, (ii) a sorority girl, (iii) the person who writes descriptions about houses for sale, or (iv) drunk.

If the overuse of exclamation points isn’t enough to make Buffy bitchy, I don’t know what is. But Buffy isn’t really bitchy, because all the really world needed was a simple, easy-to-understand explanation about highly overused exclamations. And you get two gold stars if you remember to exclaim only once each day.

Remember: You can ! all you want!!!!! in your head!!!!!!!!!!!!!… just not in writing.

So until next time, cheers!

 

 

 

 

 

The Sorority (w)Rec(k)

Posted on by buffythebitchyblogger

Every year, just around this time, college-bound high school seniors start planning for the upcoming fall semester at Their University (upper casing assigned intentionally). Also every year around this time, I receive between 20 and 40 e-mails, phone calls and texts asking if I’ll write sorority recs.

I’m happy to write, write, write because it’s what I do, do, do. That, and it’s the responsible, friendly thing to do for friends, friends’ daughters and Peep 1’s classmates. But let’s move on from me to the sorority candidates themselves, shall we?

I don’t need a crystal ball to predict the two things that will happen during the rec writing extravaganza. First, many of the resumes will have extremely inflated information because, yeah, it’s a resume. Second, not a single girl will tell me what she pledged after rush.

But back to the resume thang. Last year, one sorority-bound sue sent me, among other things, a 12-page resume that gave a play-by-play account of every move she’d made since what seemed like the beginning of time. You’d have thought she soloed every competition, taken home every trophy, volunteered ever waking hour not spent performing and accepting trophies, flown to the moon and back on a rocket ship she’d handcrafted from popsicle sticks, and started a business venture selling freeze-dried pickles made from organic cucumbers grown in her very own organic garden on land she’d purchased with money she’d made selling lemonade at a stand she’d constructed from wood she’d chopped down in a rain forest she’s traveled to on a middle school mission trip.

It got me wondering What. In. The. World. caused such a level-headed student to inflate her resume like a helium balloon. And then it hit me.

The expectations for today’s high school students are beyond ridiculous. BEYOND RIDICULOUS. They are expected to excel in academics, jump on the AP bandwagon, tackle at least four hours of homework every night, play at least one sport although two is preferred, volunteer relentlessly, attend church regularly, spend quality time with their families daily, exercise, eat balanced meals, have social lives, keep their rooms clean, change their own oil, compose music, have part-time jobs, save the planet, and get at least eight hours of sleep every night. And that’s just the list for slackers. It’s exhausting, if not troubling, to watch.

I would no more want to be a high school student today than a man in the moon. The loads they carry are a train wreck, and I honestly wish a simpler life for them. While high school should be a time of preparation for the future, it should also be fun. A lot of fun. For that reason and many more, I’m beyond happy to write sorority recs for students who live in a pressure cooker.

And if that’s not enough to make Buffy bitchy, I don’t know what is. Only Buffy isn’t bitchy because the next resume these gals write will be when they’re graduating from college and seeking employment in the workforce.

Good news, girls: Expectations will be more realistic. Much. More. Realistic.

Truth of Dare?

Posted on by buffythebitchyblogger

Today is National Honesty Day, so let’s put on our kid gloves to soften the abrasive truth, shall we?

Before I take off like a launched rocket, I’ll set the stage of honesty by going first. Here’s my deepest, darkest truth: I have a real weight and a driver’s license weight. Both are lies. The truth hurts. With the weight (pun intended) of the world now off my shoulders, let’s jump into some Very. Honest. Realities. that have very little (or perhaps a lot) to do with the world according to Buffy.

  • Let’s be honest. Whoever said we should forgive and forget never had to forgive and forget.
  • E is a wonderful letter. Honestly? We should be hacked off at whoever left it out of the grading system.
  • Whoever named W was dishonest and misleading. W is not u twice, it’s v twice. Thus, it should be pronounced “doublevee” and not “doubleyou.”
  • Whoever named bite-size candies “fun” was either a health nut or a knucklehead. The real fun-size candy is big, not bite size.
  • People bitch about the net worth of the KarTrashians. But let’s be honest. A bunch of someones somewhere are buying their stuff and watching their show or that clan of kooks would have real jobs.
  • Speaking of clans, if we’re truly honest, it’s annoying when families go off on some weird naming tangent. At the Kardashian household, Kris named her kids Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Kendall and Kylie. And then there’s the Duggars. No, I’m not going to be honest about what the world (me) thinks about turning blue jeans into maxi skirts because we’re talking naming tagents here, right? There’s Joshua James (double J), Jana, John-David (J hyphen) Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna (another J hyphen), Jedediah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace (enough with J hyphens already) and Josie. These two families have something in common. In the words of another J — Jay-Z, my least favorite singer on the planet — that shit cray (err, kray), ain’t it Jay? (K and J, get it?)
  • Schools place a ridiculous amount of focus on math. Let’s be honest because it is, after all, National Honesty Day. After graduation, those students will use the calculator on their iPhone 6000, not a four-step approach to addition and subtraction.
  • Republicans should have more children.
  • In all honesty, almost every sporting event goes on for far too long. I’m in favor of ending football games after halftime (which would need to be renamed gameovertime). A round of golf should be three holes with breaks at the beverage cart after holes 1 and 2, followed by an extended kick-up-your-spiked-heels break after hole 3. Baseball games would move the 7th inning stretch to the 3rd because that’s about the time my back starts to hurt, then we’d have a hot dog and a diet coke or brewsky before moving on to a few more innings. Basketball, however, does a pretty good job of keeping things moving. I’ve only been to one swim meet, after which point I withdrew my kids from swim team, so you already know my honest opinion about that. Dance recitals? (sigh) What are those teachers thinking? First you’re charged hundreds of dollars for costumes that become worthless immediately after one performance, they you pay admission at the door, qualifying you to enter a venue with poor lighting, a bad PA system and crappy seating to watch other people’s kids “dance” for three or four hours. I’d prefer a different watch-my-performer-then-present-her-with-flowers-and-split format, but hey, that’s just Buffy talkin’.
  • Honesty is a double-edge sword. Companies are required to disclose ingredients on product labels in the interest of transparency (= honesty). Is anyone else baffled that lemonade is made with artificial flavoring but furniture polish has real lemon juice?
  • The honest truth is that rioting is ridiculous. Period.
  • In all honesty, we’d be left with only a handful of politicians if honesty was, in fact, the best (domestic and foreign) policy. At that point, Republicans would regain control of the country. Hang tight. I need a break to raise my flag in favor of honesty being the best policy.

(break)

  • If honesty was the best policy, many of us would change our profile pictures on Facebook, Linkedin and other social utilities. And yes, that includes me, although I rather like my Linkedin profile picture from 2005 taken on the way to the SMU/Rice football game. It was a V.E.R.Y. good hair day and the camera was kind to me.

So what’s up with a day of honesty when we’re more comfortable with the same ol’ same ol’ day in and day out? Thanks for asking. National Honesty Day was created by a former press secretary of Maryland as a day to ask any question with the expectation of being given a truthful and straightforward answer. And if that’s not enough to make Buffy bitchy, I don’t know what is. Only Buffy isn’t bitchy because I can play by those rules… and invite you to ask whatever question you want. I dare you.

 

Ride ’Em, Cowboy

Posted on by buffythebitchyblogger

Today is Go Texan Day. Translation: Expect Traffic Delays Day.

Thousands and billions of trail riders from across south Texas will be making their horse-drawn way to H-town. The already jam-packed freeways of the nation’s fourth-largest city will add horses and wagons to an eclectic mix of SUVs, 18 wheelers, motorcycles, bicycles and every make of car on the planet and under the sun.

As a courtesy to the trailriding survivors for bringing their wallets to our city, Houston’s on-the-go crowd will come to a complete screeching halt on the feeder roads of six major freeways — 10, 6-10, 59 which is now 69, as well as 288, 45 and 290 —and countless congested entrance ramps and intersections. As a result, kiddos will be tardy for school, employees will be late for work, baseball-capped moms will miss their mani/pedis, babies will deliver themselves and the police force will work overtime to control those who missed their mani/pedis.

The consolation prize for inconvenience is even worse. Houstonians will “celebrate” Go Texan Day by sporting their western wear. The outcome is worse than Halloween because you can’t pop by Party City the night before for a costume.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

  • 79.5% of elementary-age students will wear a bandana (or dinner napkin) to school, of which 37% will also wear cowboy boots. 99% of those boot wearers will wear boots passed down to them by an older sibling. 100% of elementary school teachers and principals will also wear a bandana. One student will bring a toy pistol to school and make national headlines.
  • 3 middle school students, all recent transfers from the northeast, will wear a bandana. 437,244 of the remaining teenage set will wear jeans or khaki shorts, both of which are considered western wear on Go Texan Day.
  • 0 high school students will give a crap. Speaking of, truck-driving high schoolers will certainly drive over the trail of poop left by the horses, and feeder roads will be one long stench of the aftermath.
  • Millions of Houstonians will go to work today dressed exactly as they do every Friday. By definition, Friday is Casual Friday, and that most certainly trumps Go Texan Day. The exceptions to the rule are a handful of slutty sallies who will wear plunging necklines, painted-on jeans and out-of-style boots. The male equivalent is stone-washed jeans, a too-tight flannel shirt that reveals a beer gut, dress shoes and a bolo tie. PLEASE. DON’T.

If the traffic and nightmarish costuming aren’t enough to make Buffy bitchy, I’m not sure what is.

Only Buffy won’t be bitchy today because I grew up in a small town. We didn’t need a day to “celebrate” all things western, but if Go Texan Day gives Houstonians an opportunity to do so, then snaps and claps to the trailriders for giving them this one day.

So: *wince* Ride ’em cowboy.