I’m on a one-nerd crusade to stop the abuse.

Here’s the situation: Exclamation points are being abused all day every day, and it makes me nuts. When did it become okay to put a ! after every sentence that doesn’t have a ? No, really. When? PLEASE TELL ME WHEN.

Leave the water running while you brush your teeth. Throw your dirty clothes on the floor. Cry over spilled milk. Eat carbs and consume high-fructose corn syrup. Have a cocktail before it’s five o’clock somewhere. But please, Please, PLEASE do not abuse the exclamation point. Of course, there’s one exception to the rule, so keep reading or skip directly to “Should — multiple exclamation points.”

So not to throw you under the punctuation bus, here’s a handy dandy guide for when you should and shouldn’t use an exclamation point:

SHOULD — single use

• Fire!
• Help!
• We’re engaged!
• I’m having a baby!
• A raccoon just crawled through the doggie door!
• There’s a snake in the toilet!
• We have winning lottery ticket!
• Cheers!

SHOULD — in back-to-back exclamations

• Crap! We’re out of wine!
• Damn! You forgot to record Downton Abbey!
• Get in here fast! Scandal is on!
• Whoot whoot! My kid hit a grand slam!

SHOULD — multiple exclamation points

(anything positive about Buffy the Bitchy Blogger, such as:)

• Buffy rocks!!
• Lovin’ Buffy the Bitchy Blogger!!!
• Buffy is not bitchy!!!!!!!!!

SHOULD NOT

• There are raisins in your lunchbox.
• His jacket is in the mudroom.
• Our dog food supply is quite low.
• I’ll fold the towels after I make the beds.
• You need a new yard rake.

Believe me, folks, when I say your reputation is at stake. The overuse of ! and !! and !!!!!!!!!! will lead people to believe you are (i) a few marbles short, (ii) a sorority girl, (iii) the person who writes descriptions about houses for sale, or (iv) drunk.

If the overuse of exclamation points isn’t enough to make Buffy bitchy, I don’t know what is. But Buffy isn’t really bitchy, because all the really world needed was a simple, easy-to-understand explanation about highly overused exclamations. And you get two gold stars if you remember to exclaim only once each day.

Remember: You can ! all you want!!!!! in your head!!!!!!!!!!!!!… just not in writing.

So until next time, cheers!