Today is Go Texan Day. Translation: Expect Traffic Delays Day.

Thousands and billions of trail riders from across south Texas will be making their horse-drawn way to H-town. The already jam-packed freeways of the nation’s fourth-largest city will add horses and wagons to an eclectic mix of SUVs, 18 wheelers, motorcycles, bicycles and every make of car on the planet and under the sun.

As a courtesy to the trailriding survivors for bringing their wallets to our city, Houston’s on-the-go crowd will come to a complete screeching halt on the feeder roads of six major freeways — 10, 6-10, 59 which is now 69, as well as 288, 45 and 290 —and countless congested entrance ramps and intersections. As a result, kiddos will be tardy for school, employees will be late for work, baseball-capped moms will miss their mani/pedis, babies will deliver themselves and the police force will work overtime to control those who missed their mani/pedis.

The consolation prize for inconvenience is even worse. Houstonians will “celebrate” Go Texan Day by sporting their western wear. The outcome is worse than Halloween because you can’t pop by Party City the night before for a costume.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

• 79.5% of elementary-age students will wear a bandana (or dinner napkin) to school, of which 37% will also wear cowboy boots. 99% of those boot wearers will wear boots passed down to them by an older sibling. 100% of elementary school teachers and principals will also wear a bandana. One student will bring a toy pistol to school and make national headlines.
• 3 middle school students, all recent transfers from the northeast, will wear a bandana. 437,244 of the remaining teenage set will wear jeans or khaki shorts, both of which are considered western wear on Go Texan Day.
• 0 high school students will give a crap. Speaking of, truck-driving high schoolers will certainly drive over the trail of poop left by the horses, and feeder roads will be one long stench of the aftermath.
• Millions of Houstonians will go to work today dressed exactly as they do every Friday. By definition, Friday is Casual Friday, and that most certainly trumps Go Texan Day. The exceptions to the rule are a handful of slutty sallies who will wear plunging necklines, painted-on jeans and out-of-style boots. The male equivalent is stone-washed jeans, a too-tight flannel shirt that reveals a beer gut, dress shoes and a bolo tie. PLEASE. DON’T.

If the traffic and nightmarish costuming aren’t enough to make Buffy bitchy, I’m not sure what is.

Only Buffy won’t be bitchy today because I grew up in a small town. We didn’t need a day to “celebrate” all things western, but if Go Texan Day gives Houstonians an opportunity to do so, then snaps and claps to the trailriders for giving them this one day.

So: *wince* Ride ’em cowboy.